TEDxSHBS Youth

When did I actually realize that I am a girl? Perhaps it was in these past few years when I found myself starting to try on clothes that were not comfortable but could exaggerate my figure. I noticed that I started to care more about my appearance and began learning about makeup. Just like how I am now, presentable, as a woman.

But what if I’m uncomfortable doing so? Those ill-fitting clothes feel like shackles on me. I feel like I was born to please others, to abandon my own true self in order to conform to the "mainstream" aesthetic. I realized that it was never my intention. Every time I remove the foundation and concealer and face my true self, I always shy away. I'm afraid to see the acne marks and pits on my face because they're not perfect. But isn't that the real me?

After understanding all of this, I started to dress and do my makeup casually, to the point that when others commented on it, they used the word "sloppy".

So, I live as "a sloppy woman."

Perhaps this is a silent rebellion of adolescence. I detest the gaze of men, I detest all sexy outfits that suffocate me, and I detest the so-called cosmetics that decorate my face.

As a girl, I have received various forms of conditioning from the outside world. They say that girls shouldn't sit with their legs apart, that girls should maintain a proper posture, and that girls can't excel in science and should be gentle and virtuous...

I’ve struggled with myself for a long time, conflicting thoughts intertwining. What is femininity? How does one become a real woman? I don't know. It's a bit too difficult for someone in their early teens like me.

For various reasons, I decided to take a gap year from school after finishing the seventh grade. Maybe it's because I had no other way out, so I had no concerns. That year, I traveled to many places alone. In a small village in Fujian, I met Aunt Wang who was engaged in fishing there. Through our conversation, I learned that she led dozens of fishermen on her own. "I escaped from my previous husband who looked down on me and came here to do business," she said. "Now, I've become better than before."

Yes, instead of anxiously hesitating, it's better to become the best version of oneself. My favorite Italian writer, Maura Gancitano, puts it this way: "This kind of thing happens many times in a woman's life: a certain physical feature that she never paid attention to before suddenly becomes the object of thought, cognition, reflection, and study." She woke me up. I am learning to shed all the chains that imprison me in the name of "beauty".

Yes, I am a woman. But that doesn't mean I have to be gentle and meek, be skilled at makeup and dressing up, or attach myself to a "man".

After refusing to be constrained, I am simply myself, and that is the best person I can be.